I look around and I am nowhere that I expected I would be.
I will not weep.
I will rejoice.
Struggles make me strong.
Trials make me sturdy.
I’ve been pretty sad lately.
I don’t show it as well as I should.
But I don’t want to be sad anymore.
So I will spin.
I will spin in circles until I fall down like a child.
And I will get up.
Dizzy as can be… I will get up.
And I will spin again and again and again.
Why?
Because.
Because it is simply fun.
I’ve spent a lot of time around children lately.
You might think this is strange.
I think it’s refreshing.
I didn’t used to think I liked children.
I tried to avoid them.
Then one day… out of the blue Dakota walked into my life.
She changed it forever.
I don’t know what happened to her.
But I do know that she has humbled me.
She took me by the hand and led me to a far away land….
A land of HOPE.
Children don’t see things the way that adults do.
They are innocent.
They are precious.
They have imaginations.
Simply enough they are inspiring.
I’m not just talking about five year olds either…
kids from zero to 18.
The ones that still believe that they can conquer the world or become
SUPERHEROS in every day life.
Little girls that believe in prince charming.
Little boys that believe they can fly.
Young love.
Imagination.
Faith.
Tiny hands.
Sticky fingers.
Breathing their first breath.
Saying their first word.
Experiencing firsts and not thinking the world is out to get them.
Children have a gift… innocence.
I myself have lost sight of so many things in everyday life.
I tend to allow people to take advantage of me.
I trust too soon.
I give too much.
These are my weaknesses.
It could be worse.
I thought that I would be forever jaded by the cruelty of the world
but I refuse to be,
I do not want to posses so much vanity that I turn my back on others
Money would be nice to have but I’d much rather have love.
I’d much rather be able to give love.
There are things that I would love to have, things I would love to do…
But these things are temporary.
I need to accept that.
Permanence is a lie.
Permanence is a false sense of security.
I don’t want to live a lie.
I want to spin.
I want to give everything a whorl just like a child would.
I want to embrace firsts… even if they hurt.
I believe that though my circumstances are not chosen…
I can choose how to react.
Bitterness only destroys what little joy we can glean from painful experiences.
I believe that we can find good in anything.
I am looking for the good in this situation.
I know that good will come from this.
I have HOPE.
It is faint and distant but it is there.
Some hope is better than none at all.
I want to spin.
I want to twirl.
I want to be amazed by the wind blowing my sundress into a circle.
It is ok to feel sad.
But sadness cannot take over the goodness.
I have hope.
Heaven doesn’t seem very far away.
Life is precious.
I’m not who I thought I would be.
I’ve considered things I thought I’d never consider.
I’ve been beat down.
I’ve been abandoned.
I’ve been alone.
But I have hope.
Hope that things will soon change.
I will not dwell on the apology that I think I deserve.
But I will not dare to forget to apologize to those I owe it to.
I will make things right to the best of my ability.
I will dare to love again.
I will dare to have hope in something greater than myself again.
I cannot change the world on my own.
But like a child… I’d like to believe that I can.
Why do we rob their ideals from them?
Why do we create our realities the way we do?!
Why are we so skeptical?
Why do we give up?
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
BECAUSE we’re Afraid.
That’s pretty simple.
But what are we afraid of?
EVERYTHING:
-including being afraid itself.
I do not deny that I am discouraged.
I am.
But I have hope.
Looking at those tiny hands…
hearing those tiny laughs…
I have to.
I have to believe that they can make a difference…
the difference that I never did.
Though I am sad… I am also happy.
I am happy because change is coming.
And some of it must be good.
I have hope.
Children create change.
Innocence is the cure for fear.
And as I looked into those tiny eyes…
I knew.
Everything was going to be okay.
As that little body squiggled in my arms…
I knew.
Something good was in my life.
Now the irony here begins when you look at my life.
I work very well with children.
But I don’t LOVE being around them all of the time.
I am better with teenagers …weird eh?
But they continue to teach me…
They continue to teach me how simple life can be.
They take you by the hand as they stumble through their first steps
and they let you know that this day is going to be wonderful…
simply enough because you are in it.
Life will never turn out the way we expected it to.
Otherwise I would be some bigshot lawyer who ran a non prof org for
street kids. I would have already traveled the entire world.
I would have my F-40. I would be the most compassionate person in the world. I would be a million other things.
But it didn’t turn out that way.
It turned out this way.
And it changes daily.
I can’t complain.
I need to quit worrying.
I need to breathe in and out.
I need to know that God isn’t just kicking back and watching the show laughing at me as I fail.
I know He is good.
Things will change.
So I want to spin.
I want to twirl.
I need to be happy like a child with hope in her eyes.