hey<\/p>\n
so I haven’t made a private journal entry for a couple days.. so I figured it was time.<\/p>\n
Erika is disclosing a lot of information to me.. I think out of the fact that I’m a friend.. so I’m learning very easily to not get my hopes up, but to be there for a friend who is going through things.<\/p>\n
I feel frustrated.<\/p>\n
I feel like saying : Don’t try to get close to me, (to any of my friends) because it won’t work. The only one close to me is God, and I have to sometimes struggle to keep close to him.. he is always close to me, but I am not always close to him.<\/p>\n
I’m a jerk to my friends. I close them out, and don’t give anyone an explanation for anything. Even here at school.. I am getting a long better with people here than I was in Arizona. They have to interact with me.. or they do. Nobody really has to, but they put up with my crap.. with my moods that I go through.<\/p>\n
Half the time I feel like I am living life alone. and I like it.. even though half the time I want to break in half and spill everything I have.<\/p>\n
If this gets out, people would know how shallow I am. I fear it.. I fear people. I fear for things that I shouldn’t. I can’t put my trust in anyone.. they will deceive me.. they won’t treat me the same, pick whatever you want to put there and you can make it fit.<\/p>\n
I don’t make sense half the time to myself.<\/p>\n
To my friends who give up on me : You are wise. If my other friends were wise they would choose a better friend and leave me at the first exit.<\/p>\n
I frustrate myself.<\/p>\n
I’m not sure what to do, and I don’t tell anyone this besides God, but he knows everything before I do it, and when I will do it again.<\/p>\n
The only real reason people talk to me, is because I have a heart for people. I hate when people go through crap, but recently I’ve come across people I can’t help at all. I freeze- I don’t know what to do.<\/p>\n
Argh.. God.. please just take me now.<\/p>\n
I can’t even compose my thoughts enough to make them stop for enough time to relax. I instead drive off campus.. get take-out and eat in a parking lot, alone. Occasionally when people go by and look at me.. I quickly pick up my phone so it looks like I’m on the phone.. I .. am… such… a ….. loser.<\/p>\n
Lord, please be with me. Help me help others, and some how.. let me cope with my own foolishness.. – or better yet.. would you deal with it? I give you my all. Take me and mold me.<\/p>\n
Your Child<\/p>\n
Jason<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
hey so I haven’t made a private journal entry for a couple days.. so I figured it was time. Erika is disclosing a lot of information to me.. I think out of the fact that I’m a friend.. so I’m learning very easily to not get my hopes up, but to be there for a…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-440","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":340,"url":"https:\/\/jshox.com\/jay\/2005\/04\/16\/340\/","url_meta":{"origin":440,"position":0},"title":"HeyI'm back to my old\u2026","author":"me@jshox.com","date":"April 16, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"HeyI'm back to my old ways (with hey to start a post)So today I woke up after 9, and I had work today. 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